I know it wouldn't change anything. Intellectually, in my head, I understand that if we moved away, things would still essentially be the same. But, somehow that doesn't matter, and I still allow myself to dream about it. We are driving away, our lives in boxes neatly packed, lined up in the back of a U-Haul, a new life awaiting us. It doesn't matter that our families are left behind, because we can always return,  or that we don't know anything about where we are going, because we have each other. Our family is strong wherever we go, so we go there. It's sunny and hot in my fantasy, we have to go south, always south. Where the sun is strong and the people move slower. Because I imagine it's live a vacation all the time and it's just less gray than it is here. And nobody bothers us, because no one knows us. And mostly, even though I probably won't, I can be someone new. That's really what I want. I want no one to know me and no one to answer to but the people who don't ask questions. I wonder if I'll ever get it, that feeling I'm looking for. Where everything is new and bright and clean and life is full of questions, but the good kind.

When I found out I was pregnant, I never really thought very much about breastfeeding my baby. I knew my mom didn't breastfeed. When I asked her why, she said since I was jaundiced and she went home without me, they told her to pump at home and that just didn't happen. I never knew anyone who breastfed or had ever even seen someone breastfeed a baby. I'm embarrassed to even say it now, but the thought of it honestly kind of weirded me out. So, I knew I had to make a choice as to whether or not I would breastfeed. As I do with all questions I have in life, I Googled it. I began reading about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding on the internet and in books and I decided I would "try" it. I wasn't putting a time frame on it, because it was so unfamiliar to me, and I had no idea what I was in store for. My husband said he would support me and was just concerned with whatever was "best for the baby". So, after my daughter arrived by an unplanned C-section, there we were, getting ready to embark on our breastfeeding journey. A nurse brought her to me  after she was cleaned up and said, "Do you want to try breastfeeding her?" and as we were wheeled to the recovery room, she latched her on. I remember looking up at my husband and saying, "She's eating!!' I was in a fuzzy state, but I knew something pretty awesome was going on.

The beginning of our breastfeeding relationship was weird and scary and amazing because, no matter how much stuff I had read about nursing a baby, I truly knew nothing. That baby cluster fed like an animal until my milk came in. And did it. I actually had a doctor ask me if a nursing student could touch my engorged breasts and commented that I was "made to breastfeed". My breasts were huge and painful and hard. They were like boulders on my chest and I wondered if they would ever stop hurting. I leaked everywhere and I wondered if I was normal and if my baby, who ate around the clock, was normal. No one tells you how much nursing is actually normal for a newborn. The hospital wants to know how long she ate, what side did she eat from.... I was so confused. And my nipples were in so much pain. They were simply red and raw, no matter how great my daughter's latch was (which it was). So, the hospital gave us a nipple shield to use. Even though I had to wean my daughter off the shield (which happened around 4 weeks), I think it saved us. I was in so much pain, I was sure I had thrush or some kind of infection. The shield allowed us to nurse through the pain. And I never seemed to be able to get comfortable, no matter what position I nursed in.

But, things weren't all bad. I discovered side-lying nursing. I began to find ways to get comfy. The nipple shield went in the trash and we were able to go out for longer than a half hour without the baby needing to stop and nurse. There was no pain. There was no pain! And most of all, there was no formula. Somehow, I had managed to push through and not quit, even though I really wanted to at times. It seemed easier to go to formula at times, I really thought. But, holding my daughter close, seeing her face, so calm and happy while nursing, and waking up next to her after a nap or night of sleep - it was and is all worth it. I was able to finish graduate school and start a new job, all while nursing a baby. It can be done and it is wonderful.

Now I'm nursing a one year old. My daughter gets all excited to nurse, and when I've been gone to work for the day, I love sitting or laying down with her and just relaxing and nursing. I'm so happy I stuck with it through the ups and down and plan to nurse for as long as she'd like to.

capeside high! oh, to hang out with joey potter and oogle at pacey & dawson! :) 

What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
had a baby!

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i really don't think i made any -- as for this year, i'll say this year is about getting further in my career.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
me!

Did anyone close to you die?
great uncle's sister

What countries did you visit?
nowhere

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more balls, haha

What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?
march 15 - emily's birthday

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
successfully completing student teaching and earning my master's/ teaching cert.

What was your biggest failure?
not getting ahead with money

Did you suffer illness or injury?
no, thankfully!

What was the best thing you bought?
didn't buy too many things for myself, probably the sara barellis cd

Where did most of your money go?
baby stuff (didn't have too much money!!)

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the baby, being at home for the summer.

What song will always remind you of 2008?
Love Song 

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder?
happier
b) Thinner or fatter?
thinner!! (not pregnant! plus, i'm thinner than pre-pregnancy!)
c) richer or poorer?
poorer.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
enjoying the little moments when emily was first home.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
complaining about money

How did you spend Christmas?
at aunt di's as usual -- it was a mad house there, because everyone who could have possibly came for dinner, did. which was really nice for a change!


What was your favorite TV program?
the office, 30 rock, the biggest loser, TLC, and i got really into just about every show on bravo (top chef, project runway, etc,)

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
um, no

What was the best book you read?
How Starbucks Saved My Life

What was your greatest musical discovery?
that i am truly a britney spears fan, haha

What did you want and get?
cookbooks, a baby, to finish school

What was your favourite film of this year?
sex and the city

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26. Went for my free dinner at coopers with the family, and that's about it.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
relaxed, complete with crocs and nursing tank tops!

What kept you sane?
drinking coffee, watching mindless tv, reading LJ

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
chris cuomo from good morning america -- hey, when you have a baby you get up early. i have a major crush on him and wentworth mi

What political issue stirred you the most?
the war

Who did you miss?
new york city, lauren, erin <333

Who was the best new person you met?
my baby girl!!!! my cooperating teachers (they taught me so much) and all the children at school.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Family is really the most important thing in life. Cherish every moment, because time passes so quickly!

i am still alive. i am still working at the day care [three months on wednesday & doing fine], i lost about 10 pounds [although i just ate an obscene amount of oreos], and i am falling in love with a boy who roller skates and colors with me & calls me his sunshine. who needs aspirations when you've
got.
all.
this.

ps. please buy tristan prettyman's album, twentythree, because she is amazing & i love her & i said so.

maybe i'm too independent for my own good. is it wrong to think that i would want to be with somebody not just for the sake of being with somebody? i'm frustrated with the idea that dave may simply be scared of being alone. in the long run, maybe it's because i'm just as scared of that. but as for right now, being alone doesn't make me bat an eyelash. i've learned that it's not necessary to my happiness to have a boyfriend, so why go crazy over it. it's hard for me to reconcile our differences when it comes to this, because it's just too drastic. then again, once being with somebody happens, it's hard to go back. i feel a mess.

sometimes i think that maybe i'm just kidding myself. why would i imagine that i could meet someone that wasn't a complete douche bag. i guess there's no telling what will happen now. perhaps this was the worst idea of all time.

beautiful weather and starbucks in your cupholder. a boyfriend who sends you messages that say "good morning, beautiful". a best friend a congested two hour ride away. a family who loves you. a job you like to go to where children beg for hugs from you.

i will revel in this feeling for as long as i can and pray that nothing i do will mess it up.

[a series of not-all-that related things]

I was skipping around the kitchen with Miyah, the big event for this Saturday night, when my sock-clad foot slid on the kitchen floor & all 120 pounds of me came crashing down. I'm going to have a huge bruise on my left knee and thigh, my once broken foot hurts, and I just wish I could make up a better story for how it happened.

Making my "plan" last night only felt good for a few hours. I've decided that, if I don't have a job job by June 13, I will find a "blow-off" summer job, anywhere I can get one & look for a nanny job for late August or September. Heck, I could go now. But, the key is to GO and go far away. I'm thinking of getting this East Coast girl out West for a bit. Then, I'm applying to grad school for fall '06 at Bank Street for Early Childhood/Special Ed. And that's that. New York, I'm coming back.

And, T.J. has a girlfriend. And I was invited out by two different myspace boys tonight, one via cellular telephone, although I did not pick it up. The nagging question is, when, oh when, will I grow some balls? We may never know.

I feel so blank tonight. I can't even get upset. It's almost more frustrating then being upset. Almost.

so, i got a tattoo today! i just decided it was now or never (well, not really.. but i just didn't think i'd do it if i went home without doing it). i had been thinking about it & pondering it for awhile, and i just went and did it! it's a small pinkish redish heart on my right hip & i love it! the placement and the size are just right. it's a littler more red than i thought it would be, but mike, who did it, said the red would fade some. it definitely hurt, but not that bad. i hadn't eaten all the much before i went and i got a bit light-headed and had him stop for a break two times, but it wasn't all that bad. i got really hot and just had to let it pass. he even got me a coke, which defintely helped some. next time (if there is!) i'll definitely have a nice big soda before i go. mike put the tv on & i just focused on judge mathis for the last part of it & it took my mind off of the tattoo. i can't imagine how people get really huge pieces done. after it was done, i went to cvs to get some ointment & then to starbucks for a mint mocha frappachino. sooo good. i thought i should treat myself and get my blood sugar up. anyway, i'm so happy i did it! it was my graduation present to myself.

there are too many people & noises in our kitchen & i just want them to go away. today was coney island day! the rides were closed, but after our long journey to get there, it was just great to walk on the beach, eat french fries on the pier, play mini-golf & some skee-ball, and win some plastic bracelets. erin was sick, so it was just me, lauren, and her sister, stephanie. i'm tired after a long day in the sun, and then we come home to loud music and the kitchen in complete disarry because everyone is moving out. now, i have basically moved out. most of my stuff is gone, although i do probably have a small car-load here, it's not much. i never had to overflow the entire common room with my shit, leave garbage everywhere, or in any other way make this house look like a complete hurricane has passed through it. i guess i'm a bit of a neat freak, but it makes me feel much more at peace to have things looking in order, even when they aren't feeling in order. now, obviously, more than ever, i need things to look in order, and all this noise and chaos is making me feel upset.

speaking of CHAOS (wow, what a segue!), tonight is the premiere of britney & k-fed's show on UPN. oh, dear, this is going to be interesting, i'm sure. i'm not exactly sure why anyone would care to tape the first months of their marriage and put it on tv, but this is britney spears after all. i will enjoy it immensely, anyway. i like that she doesn't give a shit about anything. she's a millionaire, she did what everyone wanted, now she's going to do what she wants.

tj asked me to call him on sunday afternoon & we talked for like half an hour. weird, a little. he always just seems to pop in when i need him to. he's going to be home this weekend. so will i. i hope i can see him, and, i guess i will, since, as he put it, 'the phone works both ways, hun'. well, so it does.

wow, i haven't made an update in awhile.

i graduate from college in 4, count 'em, FOUR days. yes. i got all my credits (i actually have five extra! think of the people who would love those!) & some very nice evals. so all my time here was not wasted, i supposed. it's nice to know that. since friday, i've basically been free of commitment, which means lots of eating out, sitting on the lawn, dancing, drinking cheap beer, making out (okay, only a little of that, and that's another story), reading trashy magazines, and soaking up the sun.

and packing. oh, the packing. my dad came on sunday afternoon and basically took most of my stuff away to our little corner of pennsylvania. i'm sitting in my room with some clothes, dawson's creek season four on dvd, and little else. but, i'm getting used to the white walls and realizing that it's, just maybe, not so bad.

in four days this will be over. in four weeks this will be a memory. in four months it won't matter any more. in four years it will be long gone. and it was only four years to begin with anyway.

the end. for right now, at least.

i am so close to finishing my undergraduate college career it's SICK.

& i love it.

today, augie & ethan slept for three of the six hours i was babysitting, so i was paid $30 to watch 101 biggest hollywood oops moments on e!, the inferno, and various 90s sitcoms on abc family. i love cable television.

this weekend was the 'spring formal', further cementing my realization that i am so done with this place. i wish it would warm up, but if it rains until friday, i'd be fine with that.

lastly, i can't wait to get my tattoo!

the end.

so i am up far far too late but we went bowling tonight at 1130 and it revved me all up.

at least i have something to show for it!

http://www.myspace.com/13551988

now all you myspacers let's be friends!

Saturday, how I love you.

Yesterday I went to the Met with my Psych class for a tour for this project that we're doing. The project, including an oral presentation & some sort of physical representation of a piece of art work, is most likely going to be the bane of my existance, like many other things, until it is handed in on May 5. I have so much work to do in the next, let me see... 19 days that just knowing it's 19 days makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Oh well. If I need to ask for some time off from work, so be it.

Anyway. After the Met, Veronica and I met up and we had a quick bite before catching some happy hour drink prices in St. Mark's Place and then going dancing! Dancing is the best thing to do on a Friday night, or any night for that matter. I met Fabio, from Columbia and another guy from Chile. And some guys from Long Island, who were actually the nicest boys I've talked to in awhile.

So, Britney! You are pregnant. I miss the old-school Britney with a passion. I miss Justin and Britney, too. Oh, K-Fed, you are not very attractive, I regret to say! But, I am happy for her! Babies are great. And I just got Britney's Greatest Hits or whatever the album is called, and it's the best idea anyone has ever had for buying a CD.

Next topic of discussion: our kitchen. It has been very messy, very messy, VERY MESSY for the past two weeks. Like, messy to the point that you need a fork to eat and you literally cannot locate one for a mile radius. People take stuff into the rooms and leave it there forever. People drop their dirty shit in the sink and do not wash it forever. Then, when someone needs something (namely, me, because who cares about them) I have to reach my arm down into that grubby sink water to get something. In a word: SICK. In my room I keep a bowl, spoon, and juice glass, plus some plastic cups (3) that were $.50 each at Wal-Mart, my Laura mug, my Nalgenes, and my travel mug. I never put these things into rotation, because I fear never seeing them again. At any given time, we have about ONE plastic cup in the cabinet when I know MYSELF I brought at least 10. Some of them have been gone since last semester (ie, my amazingly awesome Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and Mickey Mouse Animal Kingdom cups) but I know all my Target plastic set is just floating around. It's really a little ridiculous. Anyway, the sink had been overflowing for a good long time, even after I did a bunch of dishes, Lucy did, and so did Lauren. Well, last night I get home (well, this morning) and Whitney had a huge two page sign posted above the sink about how she did all the dishes and we all need to clean up after ourselves, blah BLAH. This annoyed me, I will admitt it. I mean, I have cleaned up after people plenty of times in this house, Whitney included. I don't want to come off snotty and our of the situation, but I really do not contribute to the mess. If I use a knife to butter something, I wash it immediately. I do not leave my shit around for other people to pick up or wash. I do not appreciate being assaulted by some sign screaming at me in my own house! I know it sound stupid, but it's annoying. I mean, I'm not going to be really bothered by it, but it's just like, no one asked Whitney to do all the dishes, so why doesn't she just leave them be, and, if she wants a clean kitchen and feels like she needs to do them, then do them and shut-up. It's not going to change anything. I have cleaned the entire kitchen to comeback to a few hours later, a complete disaster again, so it's clear that people are not really caring.

Sorry, just need to vent. So glad to be leaving soon! (But I do love this house<3)

Alright, enough frivolity, time to get down to business.

i am hungry! i am waiting up to see nick stahl on jimmy kimmel live. how come it always seems like every night i'm so dead tired and then something just prevents me, somehow, from going to bed at a decent hour. oh well. four hours at the park today in the sunshine and phish food ice cream tonight. fantastic, i tell ya! tomorrow is supposed to be nice as well, and i wish it would just stay beautiful. i am looking for a nanny job for after graduation, but it makes me nervous!! i guess if it's meant to be, it will happen. it wouldn't be forever, but i do miss home, so i don't know what i'm doing really. anyway. i'm babbling.

i need some new music. what's everyone's current favorite cd? something upbeat to drive around to would be good.

I SHOULD be sleeping or doing something productive, since I SHOULD be getting up early and going to Highview to tutor tomorrow. But none of those things are ocurring. Instead, I will be updating my livejournal and skipping work to possibly go to the gym and do homework tomorrow morning. Highview will carry on without me. As will the time between now and graduation and I better get my work done before then. Which is why I will do some tomorrow morning rather than worry about the $32 I'd be making.

I wish I could just take the stress away for a little bit, for me and my friends. Lauren came into my room this afternoon, red nose and tears dripping down her face. There are so many things going on in our lives right now, and I just wish it were in any way easy, but it's not, and it's not supposed to be. It's certainly not terrible, though, and we're laughing through it.

I'm pretty much coming to terms with moving back home for a year or so when I graduate. Or, I guess, not even definitely that long. I really don't know, but I know that I can't expect to move from here to my own apartment with a job in place. Even though it seems like that's what everyone who graduates here automatically does, that reality is far from true for many of us. I have sent out close to 50 resumes, have had 3 job interviews, with the possibility of about 5 more after I graduate. The 3 interviews I have had have not been successful (and when I say successful I mean getting me a job -- not that I've heard either way anyway). So, this is not easy. But, this is happening to all of us and in a few months things will look better and if they don't, they'll look better a few months from then.

I have to leave to babysit in about 4 minutes, but I figured, why not use that time to update the sometimes neglected livejournal of mine. Yesterday my Psych class was cancelled because we are going to the Child Development conference all day tomorrow (9-5!!) and then to the opening lecture this afternoon. This, I think, is a little ridiculous. I mean, we have our 2 hour class cancelled, but instead, have to spend EIGHT hours of our Saturday in a conference. I know it will be worthwhile, but I really need to do some long forgotten conference work. Looks like Sunday will be a bitch. I babysat yesterday since I didn't have class, and we all went to the Botanical Gardens in the Bronx. It was so beautiful there! I probably would never have gone so I was glad I had the chance to see all the flowers and just walk around with the kids, and for free. On the way back we had to stop at the Gap so Lisa could get some clothes for the boys with a coupon she had. Kinda strange for me, but I was just being my normal kid-wrangling self while she did her thing. Augie was in the worst mood known to man, though, so I certainly worked for my pay. Lauren and I went to Target when I finally got back (after Head Start and baysitting, a full 10 hour day of children) to assemble Erin's birthday gift. It's going to be amazing. We got this big plush high heel.. I can't quite do it justice, but, trust me, she'll love it.

Anyway, I really should be going. I feel like I'm on drugs right now. I'm so over-tired and now, after my carmel Cadbury egg and my large Pub coffee, very caffienated, so that should make for an interesting afternoon.