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this old thing?

Stumbled upon this for some reason, wondering if people still posted to LiveJournal and then got stuck reading pretty much every old entry on here. I honestly cannot believe how much things change & yet how much they stay the same. Practically exactly nine years ago, I wrote about heartache and longing and confusion and here I am contemplating the exact same thing. It's mind-blowing. It actually made me leave my desk in my own office with a window, go to the bathroom,and cry. I forget who I was and I wonder where that girl is. And yet I am painfully aware of the fact that I have not really changed all that much. It's fucking terrifying. I have children and a husband and a master's degree and a job and what the fuck am I doing? 

Jul. 6th, 2009

I know it wouldn't change anything. Intellectually, in my head, I understand that if we moved away, things would still essentially be the same. But, somehow that doesn't matter, and I still allow myself to dream about it. We are driving away, our lives in boxes neatly packed, lined up in the back of a U-Haul, a new life awaiting us. It doesn't matter that our families are left behind, because we can always return,  or that we don't know anything about where we are going, because we have each other. Our family is strong wherever we go, so we go there. It's sunny and hot in my fantasy, we have to go south, always south. Where the sun is strong and the people move slower. Because I imagine it's live a vacation all the time and it's just less gray than it is here. And nobody bothers us, because no one knows us. And mostly, even though I probably won't, I can be someone new. That's really what I want. I want no one to know me and no one to answer to but the people who don't ask questions. I wonder if I'll ever get it, that feeling I'm looking for. Where everything is new and bright and clean and life is full of questions, but the good kind.

My nursing story

When I found out I was pregnant, I never really thought very much about breastfeeding my baby. I knew my mom didn't breastfeed. When I asked her why, she said since I was jaundiced and she went home without me, they told her to pump at home and that just didn't happen. I never knew anyone who breastfed or had ever even seen someone breastfeed a baby. I'm embarrassed to even say it now, but the thought of it honestly kind of weirded me out. So, I knew I had to make a choice as to whether or not I would breastfeed. As I do with all questions I have in life, I Googled it. I began reading about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding on the internet and in books and I decided I would "try" it. I wasn't putting a time frame on it, because it was so unfamiliar to me, and I had no idea what I was in store for. My husband said he would support me and was just concerned with whatever was "best for the baby". So, after my daughter arrived by an unplanned C-section, there we were, getting ready to embark on our breastfeeding journey. A nurse brought her to me  after she was cleaned up and said, "Do you want to try breastfeeding her?" and as we were wheeled to the recovery room, she latched her on. I remember looking up at my husband and saying, "She's eating!!' I was in a fuzzy state, but I knew something pretty awesome was going on.

The beginning of our breastfeeding relationship was weird and scary and amazing because, no matter how much stuff I had read about nursing a baby, I truly knew nothing. That baby cluster fed like an animal until my milk came in. And did it. I actually had a doctor ask me if a nursing student could touch my engorged breasts and commented that I was "made to breastfeed". My breasts were huge and painful and hard. They were like boulders on my chest and I wondered if they would ever stop hurting. I leaked everywhere and I wondered if I was normal and if my baby, who ate around the clock, was normal. No one tells you how much nursing is actually normal for a newborn. The hospital wants to know how long she ate, what side did she eat from.... I was so confused. And my nipples were in so much pain. They were simply red and raw, no matter how great my daughter's latch was (which it was). So, the hospital gave us a nipple shield to use. Even though I had to wean my daughter off the shield (which happened around 4 weeks), I think it saved us. I was in so much pain, I was sure I had thrush or some kind of infection. The shield allowed us to nurse through the pain. And I never seemed to be able to get comfortable, no matter what position I nursed in.

But, things weren't all bad. I discovered side-lying nursing. I began to find ways to get comfy. The nipple shield went in the trash and we were able to go out for longer than a half hour without the baby needing to stop and nurse. There was no pain. There was no pain! And most of all, there was no formula. Somehow, I had managed to push through and not quit, even though I really wanted to at times. It seemed easier to go to formula at times, I really thought. But, holding my daughter close, seeing her face, so calm and happy while nursing, and waking up next to her after a nap or night of sleep - it was and is all worth it. I was able to finish graduate school and start a new job, all while nursing a baby. It can be done and it is wonderful.

Now I'm nursing a one year old. My daughter gets all excited to nurse, and when I've been gone to work for the day, I love sitting or laying down with her and just relaxing and nursing. I'm so happy I stuck with it through the ups and down and plan to nurse for as long as she'd like to.

Writer's Block: Back to School

capeside high! oh, to hang out with joey potter and oogle at pacey & dawson! :) 
What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
had a baby!

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i really don't think i made any -- as for this year, i'll say this year is about getting further in my career.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Did anyone close to you die?
great uncle's sister

What countries did you visit?

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more balls, haha

What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?
march 15 - emily's birthday

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
successfully completing student teaching and earning my master's/ teaching cert.

What was your biggest failure?
not getting ahead with money

Did you suffer illness or injury?
no, thankfully!

What was the best thing you bought?
didn't buy too many things for myself, probably the sara barellis cd

Where did most of your money go?
baby stuff (didn't have too much money!!)

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the baby, being at home for the summer.

What song will always remind you of 2008?
Love Song 

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder?
b) Thinner or fatter?
thinner!! (not pregnant! plus, i'm thinner than pre-pregnancy!)
c) richer or poorer?

What do you wish you'd done more of?
enjoying the little moments when emily was first home.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
complaining about money

How did you spend Christmas?
at aunt di's as usual -- it was a mad house there, because everyone who could have possibly came for dinner, did. which was really nice for a change!

What was your favorite TV program?
the office, 30 rock, the biggest loser, TLC, and i got really into just about every show on bravo (top chef, project runway, etc,)

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
um, no

What was the best book you read?
How Starbucks Saved My Life

What was your greatest musical discovery?
that i am truly a britney spears fan, haha

What did you want and get?
cookbooks, a baby, to finish school

What was your favourite film of this year?
sex and the city

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26. Went for my free dinner at coopers with the family, and that's about it.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
relaxed, complete with crocs and nursing tank tops!

What kept you sane?
drinking coffee, watching mindless tv, reading LJ

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
chris cuomo from good morning america -- hey, when you have a baby you get up early. i have a major crush on him and wentworth mi

What political issue stirred you the most?
the war

Who did you miss?
new york city, lauren, erin <333

Who was the best new person you met?
my baby girl!!!! my cooperating teachers (they taught me so much) and all the children at school.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Family is really the most important thing in life. Cherish every moment, because time passes so quickly!

I simply can't shake the feeling of worry and dread. I am so nervous about starting to student teach. Although I have done all the work I need to do & I am ready to begin, I am just so scared about leaving Emily. I know it will be worse for me than for her, and she is lucky that she gets to be at home with Chris, and not have to have her routine all changed around and put in day care, but I am going to miss her so much, even for just the few hours a day I will be gone. Not to mention the fact that we really just do not have the money for me to not be working until at least December. When I say it like that, when I just out loud say the month, it does not seem so far away. Even though I am sitting here in a skirt and a tank top with our Wal-Mart box fan blowing at me, I know, December, and it's ice and cold, are just around the corner. And that is a good thing. Just one year ago, I was coming to terms with being pregnant and realizing my life was about to change forever. And now, she is here, she is alive and well and thriving, and she is already 5 months old (tomorrow!). It's hard to believe how quickly time has passed. So. So what, we're here, and we don't have much money, but we'll survive. A few months of just squeaking by, so what? That's doable. We can and will do whatever we have to do, and we'll survive, because that's what we do. We're a family, and we're strong, and there are always bumps in the road, but you just have to get over them, get past them, because they'll always be another one, sometime, down the road. I can't say I'm not scared, but with help and support, I don't think there's anything standing in our way.

but i got where i want it now ...

livejournal, my dear friend, where have you been? i suppose i have been busy, although, if you ever told me what i would have been busy with all this time, i never would have believed you. it's all been a blur, and yet it has made so much sense. that man i was falling in love with is now my husband, and we are the proud parents of a 13 week old baby girl. she is the most amazing little person, and i am so happy to be her mom. my kitty is snuggled up against my leg. my heart is happy. i hope to start writing here again because i forget what it is like to write, and that is not a good thing.  

i am still alive. i am still working at the day care [three months on wednesday & doing fine], i lost about 10 pounds [although i just ate an obscene amount of oreos], and i am falling in love with a boy who roller skates and colors with me & calls me his sunshine. who needs aspirations when you've

ps. please buy tristan prettyman's album, twentythree, because she is amazing & i love her & i said so.

Jul. 21st, 2005

maybe i'm too independent for my own good. is it wrong to think that i would want to be with somebody not just for the sake of being with somebody? i'm frustrated with the idea that dave may simply be scared of being alone. in the long run, maybe it's because i'm just as scared of that. but as for right now, being alone doesn't make me bat an eyelash. i've learned that it's not necessary to my happiness to have a boyfriend, so why go crazy over it. it's hard for me to reconcile our differences when it comes to this, because it's just too drastic. then again, once being with somebody happens, it's hard to go back. i feel a mess.


sometimes i think that maybe i'm just kidding myself. why would i imagine that i could meet someone that wasn't a complete douche bag. i guess there's no telling what will happen now. perhaps this was the worst idea of all time.